Sad

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Today I feel sad, like absolutely miserable-sad.

I’m letting that happen today. I’m sitting with sad and letting it be here because it worked really hard this week to make it’s way into my life. Sadness earned it’s place here this week.

I’ve had one of those weeks that turned my world upside down, inside out and I now have a different view of the world. Everyone is well, no one is in danger- we are all safe, but it was a week where I lost faith in human beings and for me, that’s one of the saddest times a person can experience.

I recently read a book that brought me to reassessing my values, and it became really clear that I hold honesty as one of the most important traits in a person. It’s the key to having trust in someone, which essentially unlocks whether I let you into my life and heart or not. If I don’t trust you, you are dead to me. I actually use those words. If I use those words, you have earned them. I don’t say them lightly, but once you break my trust I will build a little wall for you to keep you out. I can still be pleasant, I wont punch you or anything, but you are effectively no longer in my heart. Gone.

I take people on their word once I let them into my life. Of course there are always turds out there who lie and cheat, sadly people will always be dishonest. But when I trust someone and they give me their word, I just believe them. Easy.

This week I learnt a hard lesson, and I can honestly see that this is all part of something much bigger. I know that this week is preparing me for something great, but I still just feel really, really, deeply sad.

I’m not fighting it, I’m being gentle and just letting sad be here. It’s a very strong feeling, one I feel in my stomach and my chest, my head hurts and sadness is coming out of my face. Oh it is streaming out of my face. It is so heavy, and when someone interrupts it doing it’s thing, it pushes some anger out so that the sadness can be shared.

I know sadness will go, but I’m welcoming it here today so that I can rise to whatever is next for me.

I’ve spent a lot of my adult life dodging sad.

I’ve had lots of sadness around me, nothing too extreme but enough to know what it is. But I’ve been conditioned to believe that sadness should be avoided, and the pursuit of the “good” feelings should be a priority. But I’m actually pretty comfortable with the “bad” feelings. I like a good cry, absolutely!

Screen Shot 2018-02-28 at 5.54.00 pmI remember a teacher I knew had the rule that everyone in her class should feel happy. It was an actual rule and it didn’t sit right with me at all. Sometimes you just need to be bummed out and wallow a bit. There is nothing worse than someone in your face telling you to turn your frown upside down when you want to just sit with sadness until it’s done (and to be sad and break the rules is just too much).

From my experience, the more you ignore it the more it lets it’s presence be known. It’s much like a puppy, it will just keep jumping at you until you acknowledge and let it do it’s magic until it’s bored and wanders off. Surrender to it and be with it until it passes.

I can feel the sadness starting to pass, it’s easing and the heaviness doesn’t pull me down the way it did before. But while I’m waiting I’m going to find the saddest movie I can and give it a helping hand to get out and move on.

x

 

 

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