I have a word that has been a total game changer for me. A word that I sometimes forget about but just keep coming back to. Surrender.
This word and it’s fairly new-to-me concept was introduced to me about a year and a half ago by a very wise meditation teacher. Obviously I had heard the word- but I’d never really given in much thought. I’ve talked about this before, but she introduced this concept to me at a time when I was a Master of Resistance. I could fake it, trick myself and persevere to the point of stupidity in order to strive for all the things I thought I wanted, simply because I refused to accept and surrender to what was actually happening in my world.
I’ve touched on this concept in previous blogs, but for me this is a challenging concept that just keeps pulling me back. Surrender is not my default setting, it takes incredible focus for me to tune into what I’m doing and how I can actively choose how my life affects me, and how I react to that.
I’ve just spent a big part of the last six months silently trying to fight through some challenges. Looking back, it really was as if so many of the things that happened, happened to me. I became a passive participant in a crazy game of trying to get through. Living on little sleep, I desperately tried to juggle far too many balls without paying enough attention to each aspect of my life. I started to lose track, and I started to feel like I was drowning, and I was dragging everyone I loved the most down with me.
I didn’t do any of this for any other reason other than that it was an internal drive telling me to do as much as I could. I’m programmed to do many things and to do them all perfectly, which I rarely actually do, resulting in a big stinking mess.
I do know people who can do this, single mums who work full time and raise kids on their own and manage to get homework done and create Pinterest worthy packet-free lunch boxes. I am not one of those women. I have tried to be all of the things I feel like I desire to be, but I can’t.
After striving and pushing, I finally fell into a bit of a heap recently. I think this happens to me about every six months! I am getting better at being aware of things not feeling right, and I desperately want to be more onto it before it gets to total meltdown.
I can feel the resistance, I feel it in the way I hold my body, how I see the world and how I react and respond to situations. I feel like a ticking time bomb. I’m married to the world’s most chilled human so sometimes I feel like a freak in my own home, but I try to tune into that calmness when I can.
“Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together”
– Marilyn Monroe
But something came from the depths of that bitterness and anger. A little bit of a spark triggered me into action.
This hope didn’t appear as it has before, there was no rumbling of determination being hummed to the tune of “Eye of the Tiger”, there was no enthusiasm or awakening. In the falling apart, and in the surrendering, I came to realise that I needed to start building up somehow. Slowly and carefully I need to reflect on all the learnings I’ve had in the past year and a half, to use the mass of experiences that have taught me that I can in fact go on. And now I’m looking back to those experiences, and using that to move slowly forward.
Surrender used to feel to me as a form of giving up. Throwing my hands up and collapsing, weak and with no fight left. But there’s been a change here, and now surrender doesn’t feel like a last resort. It is, after lots of rehearsing, slowly becoming a way of accepting what is and realising that whatever I’m doing isn’t working. That acceptance and understanding that what the Universe is offering me, and what I’m doing about is not working.
Surrender now feels like relief.
It’s when my soul catches up to my mind, and the two work together to get on with it. It’s not always pretty, but it feels better than the constant fighting that comes from forcing something that just cannot be.
So if you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, invite this word into your day and see if it resonates with you. It sure has had an incredible impact on my perspective and allows me to stop and pause and breathe.
And sometimes that’s all it takes to bring you into the moment, to get you back to where you are, not where you think you should be.