So what was I saying? Oh yes, that’s right, balance! 2016 was off to a great start, I had a plan (a very calm, loose plan- nothing too strenuous) and I was ready to find some calmish type of order in my life, some purpose without all the crazy, some direction without feeling restricted.
Firstly I booked into a meditation course. I searched for classes that suited my needs, and I found an absolute winner. Part of the course called for a 30 day commitment where we were to find half an hour each day to put our new skills into a daily ritual. I was nailing it, I read over all the wonderful resources and I was really enjoying it. This all coincided with the beginning of the school year, and being a teacher meant that this was a really busy time so I really appreciated a new way to find some calm in my life. I was trying to keep things in perspective as part of my balancing act, I was determined not to stretch myself too thin in so many areas of my life as I had in the past but I also didn’t want to introduce too many new strategies that would end up causing more harm than good. So February hit, I was in a meeting with my job share partner and a parent when I heard my phone vibrating away. In short, it was my husband calling to say that our son had Type 1 Diabetes. I had suspected this and I had made the appointment but couldn’t be there because of work, in my head I had already had him diagnosed and my instincts had been telling me something was not right, and when it comes to my boys my instincts have been right every time. Now it was happening. I instantly broke. Tears fell from my eyes before he’d finished telling me how this had unfolded at our Doctor’s. (I’ll tell this full story in more detail later- it’s worthy of it’s own post or two!) Something actually snapped in me, I felt it.
So 2016 was off to a bad start. I tried to keep up with my meditation classes but I was constantly on the verge of tears everywhere I went. If people asked me how it was going I struggled to hold it together. I’ve faced tough times before, plenty to be honest, but this was the hardest. The pairing of this hideous disease (which I witnessed in my mum and two of my uncles) with my anxious, fearful son was too much. I felt like I carried this alone and I was drowning- kicking and screaming and struggling and fighting. I couldn’t talk myself out of this one, I couldn’t breathe new thoughts into life. Eventually I surrendered to it all and slowly I was able to see beyond the darkness that had swallowed me whole on that day he was diagnosed. I did it without trying, I just let it happen.
So I enrolled in a Manifestation course a few months later with the same brilliant teacher. This for me was nothing short of life changing. It all clicked for me, it gave me focus and clarity and I could see what I wanted in my life. Balance was the goal, but I’d have to work to have this. Changes would need to be made and I knew I’d need to be clear about the life I want for myself. I’m not talking cars or houses, this isn’t a pursuit for material things, rather it’s about how I want to FEEL. The life I want to live each day. All of those hints in my life had lead me to this point.
As part of my manifestation journey, I visualised being strong- physically strong. I’d had a bad back for as long as I could remember. I’d had bulging discs so I just assumed that the pain I had was all down to that. I kept running as long as I could, I ignored the hints that were being thrown at me. The plan was to visualise myself a nice sturdy back. Easy.
Most mornings I’d drag my poor body to the gym because I genuinely loved it, my right leg was numb but in pain. The gym helped and once I’d warmed up I was great. But the days I didn’t go to the gym were excruciating. I’d never felt pain like it and I was struggling. Eventually I went to my GP in hope of getting some sessions with my osteo on a medical plan (some free sessions basically). He checked me over and thought I was okay but sent me for some tests anyway. The results were devastating. My disc had basically deteriorated and my spine was all out of whack and my nerves were being cut off which is why my leg was numb. Seeing the scans made me feel sick to my stomach. My GP said there’d be more tests, he was shocked by my results. Apparently from the damage to my spine I shouldn’t have been able to do most of the things I was doing, and he told me that I had the spine of an 80 year old. He’d never seen anything like this in someone my age and inevitably it would end up with surgery. I calmly let my doctor know that I didn’t like that idea and his response was “if you don’t have surgery you will end up in a wheelchair. It’s that simple”. I felt broken all over again. Seriously? All this happened while my husband was overseas, so again I felt like I was alone again to deal with another life changing drama. Fast forward a few weeks and after more tests my new neurosurgeon informed me that my doctor was right- no surgery=wheelchair. No more running or gym.
At first I was furious that my visualisations had failed me. Then it dawned on me, this was actually what I had visualised, but to get to a strong back I’d have to travel on a different journey. I’d been to a Chiro for years, as well as an Osteo and Physio and none of them were able to fix this. So the way to my new back was going to be surgery. Big scary spinal surgery with all it’s risks and possible complications. So I did it, it’s done and nearly 6 weeks later things are going well.
My back surgery forced me to stop. I couldn’t do anything, absolutely nothing. Just rest and let my body heal. For the first time in years I had to stop and just surrender to what had to happen. Absolute bliss!
Now I’m on the journey I’m meant to be on. There’s no final destination or goal other than to feel strong and healthy and joyful. The journey is the story, and it’s always changing and evolving. I’m trying hard to listen to those hints, to trust that my intuition is telling me what I need to do to feel the way I’d love to feel. So gently and calmly I’m continuing to follow that road.